Hello Again

I really have no excuse for not posting other than I’ve been really busy! I’ve been working an average of 40 hours per week at one job and picking up about 15 hours at the other just on the weekends. All the free time I manage to scrounge up is either involves slipping off to dreamland to catch up on some z’s or hanging out with Casey. She’ll be the first to admit that she is not a big fan of my current work schedule. It’s been hard to not be able to spend a lot of time together. But as the summer dwindles down, so will my work hours. I just have to save as much money as I can right now so I can not work as much when school starts. Because school is hard enough by itself. We all have to make sacrifices, right?

In other news, Casey is amazing! Despite the crappy circumstances we’ve had with me working my damn life away, she is still the most caring and understanding girl I’ve ever known. And if I could, I would quit both my jobs and spend every minute of every day with her. Seriously. She’s wonderful.

Also, Sydney and I are great. We meet up for lunch occasionally. We text stupid inside jokes to each other. She invites Casey and I to dinner. It is so awesome to have my sissy back. And it’s easy to say that our relationship is much much stronger than it was before I came out. It’s awesome. She has been, not pressuring me but suggesting that I tell our mom and dad soon. I’m not so sure I’m ready for that. I want to be out so badly. I want them to accept Casey as my girlfriend and I don’t want to be secretive anymore, but I’m not sure I’m prepared for the possible consequences of coming out. I don’t know if I can handle their reactions. And in my mind I have imagined the most awful and horrible reactions from them. So, I guess their real reactions won’t be any worse, right? If I prepare for the worst case scenario, WWIII, then maybe I can handle reality? I don’t know. We’ll see.

4th of July!

Happy Independence Day, everyone!

I love 4th of July mainly because it always involves cookouts with hamburgers, chicken, corn on the cob, watermelon, apple pie and tons of other yummy food that I always eat too much of.  I also love being around the family and watching all of my uncles and cousins turn into complete pyromaniacs while trying to put on a backyard fireworks show. It is very entertaining.

This year is especially exciting for me, because Sydney and I are getting along again. We’re really starting to have that strong relationship that we had before I came out to her. In fact, I think it’s probably even stronger. Also, I’m bringing Casey to my parents house for our family cookout and to go see the fireworks show in town. Of course, she’s not coming as “my girlfriend” per se, because I’m not exactly out to my parents yet, but it will still be fun to introduce her to my family and see how she gets along with everyone. I’m not worried at all, Casey is amazing and there is no reason any member of my family won’t love her. I think maybe if my parents get to know Casey as a person first and not as my lesbian lover, they will have a harder time not accepting her when I do eventually come out to them. Or….maybe it’s a horrible idea that I’m putting Casey in that position in the first place. At least she’ll get some good food out of the deal, right. I’m terrible. Ignore that haha.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day! I’ll update soon about how the evening goes

I’m happy!

Today marks 1 month since Casey and I officially became a couple. Believe me, I know 1 month is hardly a miraculous feat, but it still means a lot to me. It has been one of the most wonderful, amazing, emotional months of my life. Casey is an awesome girl. I’m so lucky.

momentoftruth

so last night, my sister met casey for the first time. sydney invited us to dinner with her and her boyfriend, justin, at this cute little cafe in the city. I was nervous about it all day. my stomach was in knots. I wasn’t sure how it was gonna play out. I know Syd has made a huge step toward accepting my sexuality, but the invite to dinner still kinda threw me off.

when I first told Casey that my sister wanted us to go out with them she was very hesitant.

“They aren’t going to sit there and attack us, are they? Try to convince us that what we’re doing is somehow wrong? Cuz I’m not in the mood.”

I reassured Casey that it would all be ok, but I wasn’t even sure of that myself. I was worried.

Good news, though….it went EXTREMELY well! I couldn’t be happier. Sydney and Justin were absolutely awesome. Casey and Syd hit it off pretty well. They talked about soccer (they both play/played in college). Syd shared way too many embarrassing stories about me. And I just sat back with a smile on my face, soaking it all in. This is how it was always supposed to be. This is how it would be if I were dating a guy. Sydney would have been inviting us to dinner from the very beginning. yeah, it’s taken some time to get to this point, but I’m so very thankful that we’re here. I know there is still a lot to get used to for Sydney, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. I love her no matter what.

As it turns out…

my sister didn’t out me. Phew!

I went to dinner at my parents house last weekend, scared out of my mind about what was really going on. And actually, it ended up being a very pleasant day. Sydney was nice to me, friendly even and you couldn’t ignore how happy that made my mother. It made me happy too, but I still felt like Syd had ulterior motives. So after we ate, Sydney and I went on a walk around my parents neighborhood. I felt awkward because it had been so long since we were this close and nice to each other. She’s been a bitch to me for the last year or so.

“Morgan, I love you. You’re my sister. I don’t necessarily agree with your lifestyle, but it’s mostly because of how I was raised. I just don’t understand it, I guess. You being a lesbian doesn’t change my love for you. I’m sorry that I’ve been so stupid about it. I’ve been such an idiot. I want my sister back. Who you love doesn’t change the bond we have. I’ve missed my best friend so much. “

At this point, both of us were crying and we stopped to hug each other. I managed to mumble a few things between sobs and tell her I loved her.

“I want to meet your girlfriend if you have one. I want to hear about everything. We can even double date! I love you, Morg.”

We walked back home holding hands. Me with a huge smile on my face. I finally have my sister back, my best friend. It took her some time to come around, some hurtful words, but it all worked out and I couldn’t be happier Next step is to eventually come out to my parents. And that scares me a lot.

not sure what to think

sorry again for not posting. i’m a loser.

casey is still wonderful that girl is so special to me

in other news, my sister is crazy. surprising, right?

well after our conversation in which she doubly disowned me because of my sexuality we just didn’t talk. something that was not unfamiliar to either of us. but today i got a text from her. and i’ll admit it was a serious double take when i saw her name on my cell phone. sydney? what could she possibly have to say to me?!?! and the text said this

dinner @ mom and dad’s sunday @ 6. u should come : )

so now i’m just kind of confused. like does she really want me there. is she going to be nice to me again. and then i got this sick feeling in my stomach. did she tell my parents? did sydney seriously out me to my mom and dad? was this going to be some kind of fucked up intervention or something? I want to come out to my parents but in my own timing. i certainly don’t want to be outted by my crazy ass sister! so now i’m kind of freaking out about the whole thing. i’m almost considering not even going. i’m so scared of what’s in store. and what’s with that stupid smiley face at the end of the text. really, syd? wtf?!

we’ll see if i actually end up going on sunday. i’m just not sure yet! ahh!

happy!

so i wanted to play outside tonight. i was really in the mood to go on a walk or to a park and just spend time with casey. but then it stormed. i was sad. i just love being outside and don’t like when my plans get ruined.

but casey is an adventurous soul just like myself and wasn’t about to let the rain keep us from the park swings. we both put on our rainboots, stuffed our jeans inside of them, and headed outside. it was really hot out today so the rain was warm and it actually felt really awesome to be outside.

we played at the park for awhile, splashed in some puddles, and shared many a cliche kiss in the rain. wonderful. my life is so perfect right now. i’m just a happy camper

exciting news

casey and i are now officially a couple!!  and i could not be any happier.

i haven’t stopped smiling in days. every time i see her i get butterflies. my heart speeds up. i’m crazy about this chick.

i’m so excited to have such an amazing, loving, genuine, kind, caring, beautiful girlfriend! i’m so happy!

ok, here it goes…

yeah, i’ve been negleting the blog again. whatevs.

i met with my sister and we talked, although, the talk didn’t exactly go as i planned. it was very one sided. sydney talked and i sat in disbelief and listened.

she basically told me that she is completely uncomfortable with my sexuality [tell me something new!] and that she disapproves of the choices i have made [cuz supposedly a person's sexuality is completely left up to conscious choice]

i left entirely too frustrated to function. i could barely concentrate at work the rest of the day. and i was a crazy bitch to basically everyone i came in contact with. my sister irritates me so bad! before we met to talk i was so sad about her and i not having the relationship we used to, but now i’m just angry. syd told me that the only way we’ll ever be the same as we used to be is if i decided that i only like guys. uhhhh….WTF!?!?!

Ok, now that i’m all worked up again, i’m going for a run. it is freaking awesome here in the chi. the weather is beautiful!

progress?

so as my last post stated, i wrote a letter to my sister. it was pretty lengthy and i basically spilled my guts completely. i’ve cried just thinking about how our relationship has changed over the last year or so.

justin, my sister’s bf, stopped in at the pizza place i work at on friday and i used that opportunity to give him the letter and ask that he give it to sydney. it felt kind of immature, but this is really the only way i have of reaching her. she refuses to talk to me even when we are in the same room together…

sigh…

so i log onto facebook this morning and have a new message from sydney. my heart immediately dropped to my stomach [part excitement, part scared shitless]

but the message was simple…

Meet me @ Mich Ave sbux tomorrow during my lunch break

ok…i can do that. i’m so glad that syd has made the step to meet up with me and hopefully have a civil conversation, but at the same time i’m scared out of my effin mind! i know what i want to say to her, but i’m not sure what she wants to say to me. a million thoughts keep running through my head. i keep replaying different scenarios in my mind. ahh!

so tomorrow is the day i finally get to talk to my sister.

after 9 months of silence.

fingers crossed that it goes well!